Pair with a keyholder

Pairing links a locked member with the keyholder who holds their key. (A switch can be on either side, in different pairings.) Once you're paired, the keyholder can see the lock timer and check-ins, and decide on releases. What else they can do (the check-in schedule, photo rules, tasks, penances and more) is up to the locked member: these are the powers they give them.

Who can pair with whom

• A locked member pairs with a keyholder. Two locked members, or two keyholders, can't pair with each other.
• A switch can pair with anyone: a keyholder or another switch can hold their keys, and they can hold the keys of a locked member or another switch. Two switches can hold each other's keys, as two pairings. See Being a switch.
• A locked member (or a switch) has one keyholder at a time. To change keyholders, end the current pairing first.
• A keyholder (or a switch) can hold several people at once.
• Either of you can send the request.

Don't have anyone in mind yet? You can list yourself as looking for a keyholder (or as a keyholder open to new members) and browse who's listed: see Find a keyholder.

Send a request

Pairing has its own tab: Keyholder if you're a locked member, Pairing if you're a keyholder or a switch. On a computer it's in the menu on the left. Switches first choose Which way round?: see Being a switch.

1. Open Keyholder (locked members) or Pairing (keyholders).
2. In Request a keyholder or Invite a locked member, type their username after the @.
3. Add a message if you like (up to 300 characters).
4. Locked members: under What can your keyholder do?, pick where to start (see below), and tap Change any of them to switch single powers on or off.
5. Locked members: tap Live penances that aren't okay (optional) and switch on anything your keyholder can't require. You can change these any time. See Hard limits.
6. Tap Send request.

What your keyholder can do

Three starting points, each one changeable before you send:

• Light: the check-in schedule, photo check-ins, tasks and the diary, all open. No penances, nothing on the feed.
• Standard: everything a keyholder could do before, all open. You can change or take back any of it later.
• Total power exchange: every power, locked until a date you pick (90 days at most). They lock on day 8, after your first week together, when you confirm them.

Live penances always need their own tick, and posting on your feed is always asked for separately. You can change all of it later on your Powers page.

You can also start from someone's profile: tap Request as keyholder (locked members) or Offer to hold their key (keyholders), and the form opens with their username filled in. Switches see Ask them to hold your keys, Offer to hold their key, or both.

They get an alert straight away. Your request waits under Sent requests until they answer. Tap Cancel to take it back.

Accept or decline a request

New requests show under Requests for you on the Keyholder or Pairing page. Keyholders also see them on Home, under Pairing requests. Each one shows who it's from and their message.

• Tap Accept to pair.
  • Locked members: you're asked Pair with Morgan? first. Switch on any kinds of live penance that aren't okay for you, choose what Morgan can do (as above), then tap Accept.
  • Keyholders: on Home and the Pairing page, a request from a locked member shows their live penance limits, for example "Live penances · Not okay: recorded", so you know before you accept.
• Tap Decline to turn it down. The person who sent it is told.

What happens when you pair

• The person who sent the request is told you accepted.
• The powers the locked member chose start. Nothing locks in your first week together: locks they chose wait for day 8, when they confirm them.
• If the locked member already has a lock running, it comes under the keyholder straight away.
• Any other requests waiting for the locked member are cancelled, because they can only have one keyholder.
• You start following each other. You can unfollow later if you like.
• If the locked member has family members who could help approve check-ins, the keyholder is asked to choose what each one can do. See Family powers and watching over.

Want to write down what you've agreed? Either of you can start a contract from a template and sign it by typing your names. See Contracts.

End a pairing

Either of you can end a pairing at any time, for any reason.

1. Open Keyholder or Pairing.
2. Tap End next to the person.
3. Read what will change, then tap End pairing to confirm.

The other person is told. When a pairing ends:

• A running lock carries on, but it's self-managed now: the locked member can end it themselves. A release request they'd sent is cleared.
• Open tasks and penances from the pairing are cancelled.
• A timed release that's under way ends, and their next check-in is due one interval later. Waiting check-in exception requests close.
• A call between you ends.
• Family powers that came with the pairing stop.
• A contract between you ends. It stays readable to both of you.
• The keyholder can no longer see the lock, its check-ins or their past locks together.
• Rules about posting on the feed (check-ins and proof) end. Posts already up stay, and the locked member can delete them.

Under Also, if you like, you can undo things that came with the pairing in the same step:

• Stop following them.
• Remove them from your followers.
• For locked members: Turn off Post my check-ins (posts already up stay).

Blocking someone you're paired with also ends the pairing. You can always end a pairing or block someone, even when your account is on hold (confirming your email, new terms or an ID check): both are right there on that screen.